The first step of recovery is exposure therapy.

I had avoided 200degrees for the past 3 months because the feeling is still raw.

Not today.

Today starts the journey of my recovery. Sitting here at 200 degrees sipping my flat white, reading my kindle, and occasionally glance towards the table where we sat on our first date.

Time will heal everything.

I am still in pain, but glad to know the wound has healed.

After months of turmoil, i’m back to myself. Back in the gym, on the treadmill once more.

It’s now 22:33, year 2020.

Time to suit up, chin up and move on

🙂

On a lighter note, i nearly bought an Ipad today. Phew…..

I really needed a chronological method of writing notes, but knowing me, I jump too much and it makes making notes using a paper pad extremely difficult. There have been cases where because I’ve made an error in the order of writing things, I decided to rewrite the whole paragraph, ripping the old pages out. Now here comes the part where, if I have an ipad with an apple pencil, this won’t be an issue 🤩. So armed with this thought, i went online and found out John Lewis do a 0% finance for apple products over £300. Great! So i woke up, got into town after speaking to my manager, and headed straight to 3rd floor at John Lewis. Asked the apple tech guy all the necessary questions, and here’s the nitty gritty part, I asked about the 0% finance which he replied “oh sorry it had finished two days ago”. But I was in a state of denial and so I went onto the website and showed him that it is still listed under 0% finance option. And so he got the manager out – Jo. Fantastic lovely lady, she sided with me and agreed that the website was misleading and therefore rang the head office about this. and I was there going I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry for causing all the hassle blah blah blah. Joe asked the head office if she could override this as an exception but unfortunately (or should I say fortunately?) head office said no, which meant I couldn’t get 0% finance for the iPad. The other gentleman – Dan, head of finance, suggested an alternative way which is to apply for the John Lewis credit card and with this card I will get 0% for nine months so I could technically spread out the cost if I wanted to. I then said I’ll think about it, And instead of walking away I was swimming around the Apple counter like a shark for another 20 minutes before I reluctantly left John Lewis and headed over to curry’s. But I didn’t want to buy it from currys because I won’t get the two years guarantee so I went inside for about five minutes and left.

Over to Tom’s news: I was surviving okay, minding my own business, getting over the heartache slow, and VOOOM, in comes a whatsapp from Tom!

dafuq?!

On wednesday 13th November at 23:14 in came a whatsapp message:

So how were the shows last week?? 🤩

Fuck me, seriously what are you playing at? Part of me am really over the moon and happy because I really want a reconciliation. But part of me thought it was unfair how the scab to my wound is being cruelly ripped off. So I waited, and waited, and didn’t reply to the message until Thursday lunchtime, and he didn’t reply until Thursday night after 10:30pm. I asked him about whether fox on or fox off, and not only did he gave advice, but he paid me a compliment! What?!

You look super cute

I’m an aries, I just want a clear cut, black and white answer. What on earth are you playing/planning?

Arghhhh, so in retaliation (?) I went through all his FB friends and found some old pictures of him from Oxford (it’s really, really cute 🥰) and I went through the whole twitter using teach first as search term and saw a picture of him in a xmas jumper (cute x2🥰) taken after a work xmas do in Dec 2018.

OMG i’m turning into this cyber stalker again!!!!!!!

I have been dreaming a lot lately. Just woke up from a nap and saw Tom’s post on IG (which is impossible as he doesn’t even use IG!) of a picture of a ?white fish meat inside a tapa dish in a London pub called Lavier. It was posted like minutes before I logged into IG (now don’t ask me the date or time, I just checked it against the bottom right corner and that’s that). And then the next scene he was here in front of me, but his facial features is somewhat different than that in my memory. Small eyes, skinned head, and red spots all over his face… So I asked “how’s your immune system ” lol.

And an even more bizzare dream last night. Went to HKG for ?2 weeks and on the way to the HKG airport I realised I didn’t buy anything, no snacks, no food, nothing. I was there thinking wtf is going on here? I could have at least bought some lap cheung (lol at the priorities!) Saw a TVB star and he approached me for directions, my dad took me to the airport in his van (japanese style white van) down some country lanes, which I suggested he should use this van and transport people to and from the airport for extra cash because the MTR is down. And the Salvador Dali appeared, he seems to have become a death eater of some sort, going around knocking on hotel rooms, and I could feel his presence inside the room by the by the coldness he brought when he was outside the room.

Strange, must be the picture of Salvador Dali i saw before i drifted off? how he redesigned a new set of tarot cards yesteryears and now they are being reprinted? Maybe I should look at pictures of Tom while I drift away? (dry sad cough)

I’m definitely on the mend because my appetite is increasing more and more each day. I went to Sherwood Manor round the corner today and bought a £6 half roast chicken sizzler meal, I finished it all! So proud. Then I went to Go outdoor to refund my walking stick and socks which frees up £12.50 (common sense Amy is back! which is another good sign) only for me to spend this in Aldi for, wait for it, for actual food! Hooray! I bought my favourite sage stuffing chicken alongside some vegetables and crisps (just one multipack – note, I did not go crazy and over buy any snacks today!). And then I went home, had half a pack of Aldi’s own aero which is surprisingly good by the way, fell asleep, and now it’s 12:23am I’m ready for shower and sleep again lol.

Sometimes the hardest part is letting go. Sometimes it’s just not meant to be. Sometimes everything happens for a reason.

Sometimes, the best medication is time.

I went into work today to hand in my first ever sick note. The form is an entirely computerised A4 sized piece of paper. So electronically advanced lol. I saw my line manager and reluctantly had a chat with her about “what happened”. It was all work related stress blah blah blah. And I left it at that.

I still miss Tom terribly, and I’m doing crazy things just so I could remember him. I went to Nando’s today and ordered the exact same food we had 3 weeks ago. And then I went into Ikea and bought the stool I sat on, the candle he bought, and the tin of ginger thins which I said I will buy him next time we go to Ikea.

If there is a dial that could turn back time, I would very much like to dial it back to the day we went to watch Joker…

It’s been 7 days since my spectacular meltdown at work. I’m slowly recovering, slowly picking myself up again and climbing out of this pit.

Slowly, baby steps slowly.

10:11am and I’m on the bus going to Santander’s first time buyer event. I’m determined to climb out of this pit. Only I could help myself. No one cares about me more than myself. I’m slowly getting there.

12:07

Fuck you Tom why am I missing you? Arghhhh here I am sat in 200degrees, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Damn you! I first went to the branch in town square, the branch where we had our first date. There was no space. I looked at the table we sat on our first date and it was occupied, and my eyes instantly teared up. I guess it must be a sign from god that the place is full. So I went to the branch next to the railway station.

I’m back from London woop 🙌🏻 Technically I came back last night, but was shattered to toe anything. Slept until 1:30pm today, it was nice 😃!

I watched Matilda (£26!) on Tuesday night and fucking finally, I won the Book of Mormon lottery (£20 in stalls G17!!)! I have been trying for three years, and the moment I heard my name being shouted out, I had tears in my eyes. I was that emotional! Or maybe I’m just emotional all round at the moment?…

Anyway, I absolutely lovedThe Book of Mormon. It has knocked Les Miserable off from my all time favourite number 1 musical! Now I just need to see Hamilton.

I’m on the mend.

Seriously I am getting better, I’ve eaten 3 meals today! It’s been a long time since I have eaten so much in one day. I was merely surviving on one meal (lunch) per day since Friday. Haven’t cried once today (well done Amy). I have done laundry and have changed bed sheets. I am getting better, slowly getting better.

I’m going to London tomorrow and will spend a night there. I really want to hear what Jan has to say about it all (but deep down I know what he will say – he’s not the one, move on, blah blah blah). But I really need to hear him to say this, like a final nail in the coffin, in order for me to move on.

I’m going to something crazy and will go and check out his travelodge tomorrow. Plus I will eat at the Nando’s he ordered his food from. I have missed him a lot, wondering if he had a proper meal tonight (he doesn’t need to lose weight ffs), whether he is asleep or still working.

Give it time I say to myself. Time will do wonders and the next thing I know is that I have moved on gracefully.

Night night and sweet dreams Xxx